Definitely having a lot of that lately, especially since going back to work. Many days it is hard, physically and emotionally getting them dressed, ready and out the door each morning, so many days I feel like I am herding cats. I feel exhausted once I am finally in the car and then I have to drop them at school and say good-bye. That is exhausting emotionally for me, especially if one of them cries or runs after me. It leaves me in tears in the car on my commute in. Then to top it off I have to work all day! Work itself doesn't bother me, many days I do enjoy it, I like the stimulation, the adult interaction. I just wish it didn't have to be 5 days a week.
I guess what really bothers me is that when I pick them up and get home many times, all I want to do is sit on the couch and stare at a wall. I feel so tired from the whole day, that I find myself getting annoyed (internally) at playtime, bathtime, dinnertime.I feel like I have to force my happy face and cheerfulness. That is when the guilt really settles in. Many nights I just want a moment's peace or to go to the bathroom without having the peering eyes of a toddler watching.
We tried for 7 years to build our family and this is how I am feeling? I hate that I feel this way and I feel like I really beat myself up over it. I know all moms have guilt over time and that there never seems to be enough of it. I wonder if I am harder on myself after having to work so hard to have a family or if this is the same for all moms?
For me, the worst is when they are tucked in bed, looking so sweet and peaceful and when Alek reaches his arms up and says "here's a hug for you mom". I start thinking, what could I have done more, what could I have done better for them that day. After all, they deserve the best of me everyday and every minute and why can't I do that for them day in and day out.
Are they going to look back and think mommy always looked tired or mommy should have played with us more, or am I hiding it well enough and just being hard on myself? I look back on my childhood and my mom always seemed on, energetic and available, was she really like this or did we just not notice the days that were rough on her?
Hopefully soon, my schedule will change and I will have more energy and less guilt, or will I just find something else in my parenting to question?!
2 comments:
((Kris))
I wish I had some words of wisdom but I don't. It's obvious those boys think you hang the moon and I'm sure what you're feeling is totally normal. I'm sure it's rougher with 2 than with 1.
Hang in there and hopefully you're schedule will change very soon.
I only work part time, and I have many of the same feelings you described in your post. It is so hard to work all day, and then come home and have energy for your kids. We've been doing what we call a "top-off" with Vika and Eamon. When one of us gets home from work, we immediately spend some time with them, reading a book or playing a quick game. This takes about 15 minutes, but once it is done, the kids seem happy and are able to go off and play independently without much fuss. When we do not take the time to top them off, our evenings are always more difficult.
Hopefully this system will still be effective once I go back to work full-time.
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