Unfathomable

For those involved with or touched by Russian adoptions, the past 24 hours have left many of us outraged, angered and shaking our heads in disbelief. How could a parent put their child on a plane alone and send them back to Russia? It is baffling to me.

When I first saw this story early this morning, I thought it must be a mistake. I didn't want to jump into judgement immediately, but the more I have read and saw, it is impossible not to.

I am sure there were alot of problems, this child had already been removed from one parent who had serious issues and spent a good deal of his life in a orphanage, an institution. There will be baggage, he is hurt child, who did not know how to be part of a family. It is up to the adoptive parents and the agencies, to prepare and educate and let parents know where they can get help and that it is ok to ask for it. You are not a failure.

Yes, it is known that records in Russia can be falsified, yes children have been known to be drugged so they appear peaceful and loving when meeting their prospective parents and yes, years of being institutionalized will affect a child deeply. But...this was no way to handle any issues she may have been having with her "son" (I am really having a hard time using the terms mother and son when it comes to this situation, because it is just to hard to wrap my brain around any "mother" doing this). Not to mention the fact this little boy has only been home a little over 6 months which as most of us know is truly not enough time.

Not every adoption will be perfect and it can be very hard for someone who has gone through the tedious and emotionally/financially draining process to admit that things are not what they had dreamed. But as a parent you have to fight and advocate for your child, find the help they need and you need, even if that means disruption. No one would be blaming this woman if she sought out help and said I can't do this, someone help me, help him, I may not be the right parent for this child and he deserves someone who can be that parent.

What really is baffling to me is the planning this took. Research for this russian attorney who advised them, research to find a man to meet this child in Russia, booking airfare, driving to DC? How much time was spent researching other options? A simple Google search could have led her to mutliple sites like FRUA, or Attachment Disorder, RADKid and many others. There are International Adoption Medicine clinics throughout the country she could have turned to. She could have looked for forums on Russian adoption and posted anonymously to other parents, asked questions, received guidance. There are so many parents out there who have been there and done that and they are always willing to share their knowledge and resources. There are people and groups who specialize in these situations and many families have had great success. it can be hard to get help in many states, but help is there and as a parent you should be the one fighting for your child.
You don't send a child back like they are a pair of shoes or broken electronics. Children do not come with guarentees. My heart breaks just thinking what must have been going through this little boys mind as he flew 10 hours alone and stepped off a plane in Russia to a stranger? This poor child's life has been damaged greatly by the actions of all the adults that have been in his short life, everyone has failed him. The other thing that has me worried is what does this teach the other boy that was involved, a cousin I believe, will he now live in fear of being sent away if he does something wrong? What is going through his little mind?

As angry as I am, my heart also breaks for Ms. Hansen, I am sure she didn't set out for this to be her goal and I can only imagine the devastation she must have felt when this was not what she had planned or dreamt about. But she made an extremely poor and inexcusable decision and one that has not only affected the life of this little boy, but has far reaching ramifications. Thousands of other prospective parents and children waiting in their orphanages for their forever families now may be waiting even longer while Russia determines whether to suspend adoptions to the US.
She and her mother need to be held accountable. If she had placed her biological child on an airplane to another state in the US with note stating she no longer wanted to parent this child, she would have been arrested already. To me, this is no different. He was legally her son, he was a US citizen. There should be no further research by the authorities, she needs to be charged with abandoning her child at the very least. The US government needs to be strong and clear in condeming her actions.
Agencies and prospective parents alike should be using this as a wake up call. Agencies need to do a much better job of educating, supporting and following their families. It shouldn't end once home. Post placement visits should be thorough and in the home, not over the phone, not at a neutral location. They should be providing parents with resources post adoption, where they can turn for help and that it is ok to ask for help, they will not get in trouble. They should be able to contact their agencies in an emergency and be able to receive help and guidance immediately.
Prospective parents need to educate themselves thoroughly before they even make that first trip to Russia. Russia also needs to remember that this is one person, while there are thousands of children thriving successfully with their families in the US.

So if you are a parent planning to adopt from Russia, do your research, talk to adoptive parents, use resources like IA clinics or FRUA. Learn all you can about parenting an adopted child, learn all you can about attachment and possible issues in children who have lived in institutions, just as you would if you were pregnant and expecting your first child.
If you are home and struggling, ASK for help, reach out to another parent, reach out to your agency, your pediatrician, go online, ask for referrals and resources, they are out there! There are people who can help.

So my thoughts and prayers go out to this little boy and I hope one day he finds a family that will love him and care for him no matter what and he will be able to experience the true meaning of a family is forever. My prayers also go out to Ms Hansen because I can only imagine the pain she is going through as well.

"Someday, maybe there will exist a well-informed, well considered and yet fervent public conviction that the most deadly of all possible sins is the mutilation of a child's spirit." Erik Erikson