Nightmares

I was walking down this long hospital corridor, one of those hallways that seems to just keep getting longer. I could see the doctor at the end that I was supposed to meet, but no matter how fast I walked, I wasn't gaining any ground, I felt like I was walking through sludge.
Finally after what seemed like hours, I was standing in front of the doctor, waiting for the news.
My heart was pounding and as he said the words I felt like I was floating outside my body.
"I can only save one of them, you need to choose, You need to make a decision as soon as possible". What, what was he saying, I couldn't comprehend. I was looking all around me, where was Kevin, what was happening? The doctor said again, "You have to choose", which child will it be? All of sudden it all came crashing down on me, I had to choose which one of my children would live. I started to shake, I felt the bile rising up in my throat, I was crying and screaming, I can't do this, I can make that decision. Where was Kevin? What is happening? The doctor yelled at me, "YOU HAVE TO DECIDE NOW, we are running out of time!"
I stuttered, I was trying so hard to stay conscious, trying hard to comprehend. I opened my mouth to give my answer....
Then I woke up. I sat straight up in bed, heart pounding, gasping for breath, looking around me. I slowly began to focus and looked down at Alek sleeping peacefully. I jumped out of bed and ran to Maks' room, he was fast asleep, with his usually snoring and grunting going on. I leaned down and kissed his face and headed back to my room. I kissed Alek's head and just held his hand.
It took a long time for my heart to slow down. My mind was racing though. What did this dream mean, was it meant to be some sort of prediction. Why would my subconscious go there? Was I actually going to choose and if so, who was it--how could a mother make that decision.
Needless to say I had a very rough time getting back to sleep.
I have always had vivid dreams. nightmares, or nightterrors, but this dream still haunts me.

So back in reality, we have been busy as usual, baseball, hockey and soccer. Its a sports world here. Working hard to keep Maks healthy so his surgery goes on as scheduled next week. He was a super trooper with the blood work, such a brave little dude.
Alek's schedule has been altered this past week due to a teacher's strike. Thankfully due to the day care we are not scrambling to make arrangements, but he has been upset about not going to GS, he keeps asking when he will see his teacher Mrs. C again. He totally has a crush on her!
He had heard about the strike, so he has been asking questions. Its a hard concept to explain to a six year old, so I do my best to re-direct him to something else :o)

Tuesday, I walk into my office to a voicemail, "Mrs Harkins, this is Betsey, nurse practitioner, could you please call me to discuss Maks' bloodwork results". My stomach dropped and my heart sunk. My hand was shaking as I called her back. Maks' PT was prolonged. This is the test that shows how quickly your blood clots. Now, as a nurse, I know this test can have false results due to collection or lab error, but as a mom, I panicked. They wanted us to have it repeated that day. She said, if it remains elevated surgery will be cancelled and we will need to see hematology. My head was spinning as I called Kevin to explain what was going on.
I tried to remind myself that this most likely was a false positive, that he has absolutely no other symptoms of a coagulopathy, he was fine. But I still couldn't suppress that fear. The fear of everything falling apart, the fear of our perfect little life being turned upside down.
I have never been the person to ask, "why me", I usually ask, "why not me"?
I picked Maks up at school, he came out with those bright happy eyes, thanking me because he didn't have to take a nap. As I strapped him he, he said, I love you mom, your my best. This is something he says 5 times a day, but that moment it hit me hard. I jumped in the front seat with my eyes watering and turned on some fun music so he wouldn't see mommy upset.
He was a brave little solider again getting this blood work drawn. He was so focused on the treasure chest where he could pick out a prize, he barely noticed the draw. He left with some special treats, we stopped at the bakery and got cupcakes for us and Alek and then headed back to pick up Alek. Then we waited. I knew I wouldn't hear anything until the morning. I gave Maks extra hugs and kisses at bedtime and said some extra prayers and tried to get some sleep.
True to her word, the NP called first thing in the morning. The test was normal!!! Whew... I took a deep breath, called Kevin and said a prayer of thanks.
What a reminder at how quickly life can change and how much we take for granted. It is hard sometimes, loving this much.
Lots of extra hugs and kisses. My children are healthy, they are happy and they are both here with me.

Now, we just have to get through surgery on Monday....he is scheduled to arrive at 8:45am. They said it will take about an hour, more will depend on if they find anything with the laryngoscope. The wait will be awful. Wish they gave the moms the giggle juice too...