The invisible birthparents

I was talking with a person the other day who was exploring their adoption options. We were discussing all the various paths and their pros and cons. The topic of birthparents had come up and I had mentioned that we had recently made contact with both boys birthmothers in Russia. Obviously this was suprising for this person to hear. We talked a little over the process and she asked, but isn't that why you go international so you don't have know or "deal" with the birthparents?
To me this was one of those "ouch" comments that can get under skin, but you can't let it, because it is a legitimate question.
I replied that while maybe that is why some people choose international, it was not one of the reason we did. We never had a problem having a relationship with the birthfamily, it was more the fear of bmom changing her mind, etc...
I always thought it would be a great thing for a child to know their roots and history and have that contact. It was something I grieved when we did choose international, but the pros outweighed that con for us.
Adoption experts agree that knowledge and information benefits the child. It can help encourage their understanding and acceptance of how and why they came to be in their family.

I think for adoptive parents it can be a struggle in regards to how they feel or perceive their child's biological parents to be. I think alot of that depends on what information they receive. I can say, that the information we received while mostly accurate painted a different picture than what I have now. I struggled more with Maks given his medical history and causes of it. It is hard not to be angry at someone for knowingly doing things while they are pregnant and what it did to your child, it is hard not to judge. I did my best not to. I have never walked in their shoes or dealt with the same struggles, so I cannot judge, I just have to accept. It is very hard for someone who struggled so long to have a family to understand how a person could carry a child for 9 months and then "give them up". It is something that I could never imagine doing, yet because they did I am a mom. Talk about internal confliction! I felt though, that was important to give them the benefit of the doubt. I then pictured two women who felt they had no other choice, how hard was that for them to say good-bye, it still brings tears to my eyes when I think of it that way.

Because of the information we received, I had an image or perception of these women and while I remained grateful for these two beautiful lives, I still felt conflicted. This was a good reason to pursue a search. If I am "judging" these women, am I in turn judging my children?

I had to stop and think, yes it could be hard for me to do this because of the unknowns. What happens if I find out things I didn't want to hear, yet I have this information and at some point my children deserve to know it?
I kept reminding myself that it was not about me and my feelings, but my childrens. I put myself in their shoes 10-15-20 years down the road, what would I want to know, how would I feel, what questions would I have, would I resent my parents for not looking?
That is what sealed the deal for me. Yes it was hard, but it was exciting and amazing, especially having the phone conversation with S.
To me this can only benefit our children. Since we have always talked about adoption and they know the words and their stories, how we talk about their birthparents is how they will also perceive them. Therefore we need to be respectful and value them for who they are, not what they did that we may not agree with.(I do want to add though, that this would be exceptionally difficult in dealing with cases of severe abuse and neglect and older children who remember much more).

I hope that I was able to give this potential adoptive parent a new insight and to not just write off birthparents, we always have to remember that no matter what, if it wasn't for them, we would not be parents.

Edited to add (great article I read awhile ago and pulled out after my recent experience):
Nature vs. Nurture: When We Judge Our Children's Birthparents, We Often Judge Our Children, article by Lois Melina (Adoptive Families Magazine, March/April 2001)