I have been thinking about this alot lately. During the past couple months I have seen various discussions, articles and rants in the adoption world over proper and correct "adoption language" and I wonder, is it too much or is there something wrong with me when I don't see the harm in some words or phrases being used?
I will start with the word Birthmother. This is the word we use, not out of any major research or discussion, just because this is what fits our situation. But from what I have been reading, birthmother is not correct, it should be first mother or first family. So I guess I am not sure what is so un-pc about "birthmother"? Believe me, I am forever grateful to our boys birthmothers, they gave them life. But I have had a hard time thinking first family? They were never part of a family until us and they were never "mothered or parented" until us? They gave birth to them, so to me birthmother describes their role best. Not that I have a problem with the terminology, I guess I have a problem with people thinking I will harm my children because I am not using terms like "first". I am sure it is extremely different for people in other areas of adoption, like open or foster or older child, but for us and our situation it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me?
The phrase "gotcha day" which is the day your child is placed with you or the day court is finalized. I always thought it was cute, still kind of do, but apparently it is now a big NO NO since Gotcha is technically a term of posession.
On the annivesary of our court dates, we do use the phrase Happy Adoption Day, but when we actually had the boys in our arms for good, I did say, "Happy Gotcha Day, I gotcha buddy and I am never letting go!!" I guess I just think of it as something cute or fun, like when we are playing tag or hide and seek and I grab one of the boys and say, "I gotcha!!".
Another: The phrase, "Born in my Heart". I personally always thought this was sweet and endearing and I have said it to my boys quite a few times, especially with Alek as we re-tell his story. Right now he has no idea what "birth" actually means, whether it be in the physical, spiritual or emotional sense, so as we talk about his story, I tell him he grew in his birthmother's tummy and she gave birth to him and he was born in Russia. I have read the poem the states, "You didn't grow under my heart but in it". I am sure none of it makes much sense at age 3, given the fact he usually just repeats the story, (he loves the flying back in an airplane part the best), gives me a hug, and runs back off to play.
So I have to wonder, am I scaring my children for life by using these terms or phrases or is this making a mountain out of a molehill? I do find as adoptive parents we naturally tend to overthink and overanalyze every little thing--you can't help it, you just want to do what is best and what is right, but where should we draw the line, how PC do we really have to be when it comes to raising our kids? I think for now I rather spend time enjoying every little minute instead of overanalyzing everything I do or say. And I am sure if down the road one of my boys says to me that any of those terms or phrases bothers them, I would discuss it with them and never use it again, but we will cross that bridge if we get to it.
6 comments:
Kris,
I whole-heartedly agree that I think people are a bit too PC nowadays. We've always used the term birthmother in this house as they never had a family before us. We also use the term Gotcha day though don't really celebrate it. We have enough b-days to keep up w/ that we just don't throw their Gotcha Days into the mix. For our family, we just speak whatever we are comfortable w/ and don't pay much attention to others. It's ultimately our choice what adoption lingo/language we choose to use w/ our children anyhow. Someone today at yet another speciallists' office--LOL asked me about adoption. We are very open about it and so our our kids. The older ones I let them take the lead as to what they want to share. We get the typical are they all yours? What happened to his leg(it's missing)? Did it cost alot? Some may find these questions offensive but we do not. I tell them and most of the time, it is just curiosity. This is btw, the way I've led alot of folks to adoption. So in our minds, they may not know the correct lingo but if they want to add a child to their family, then we may have just opened the doors for that ...PC or not!
We choose what to keep private. some things in my childrens' past I will not let them know until they are 18 or emotionally able to handle it. Just the way we are about it. We've spoken in our community about adoption, we've been featured in the paper, etc. We are known quite a bit here so I guess that may make it all that much easier to talk about it. I wouldn't worry too much about the PC of it all. Just do what works fo ryour family. And that is my advice....value....2 cents!
Take care,
Stephanie--mom to 7 special kiddos!!!
I have been reading your blog for some time but this is the first time to comment. Thank you for sharing your wonderful story! You have beautiful children and they are very blessed to have you and you them. We have five kiddos and one is from Russia. I agree with Stephanie. We use birth mother etc... It sure is not an issue to get uptight about. Once I responded in a way that might have embarrassed a lady when she was asking about our son's "real" father. I regretted it! The comment was said in innocence and ignorance and I should have been the one to be more sensitive. I am extremely careful now and a little mystified why the adoption community has to be so very touchy. I guess since we have gone through a lot to get our kiddos it is somewhat understandable.
Melissa
I also agree that the adoption community can be too PC at times. For example, I just found out that it is supposedly a "no-no" to say your kids lived in an "orphanage." You should use the term "baby home" or "child's home." Well, both Baby Home and Orphanage were terms that were used interchangeably by our facilitators in Russia, and we use them both in our family.
As for birthmother vs. first family, I think that one totally depends on the situation. For kids who were adopted as infants or who never really knew the families into which they were born, I think the term "first family" could be very confusing. However, for kids like mine, who knew their birth family, it may be a bit approrpaite. I still don't use it though. It makes us sound like the "second family" which could be construed as second best. We use the term "Russian family" in our house.
As far as terminology goes, I think you have to use what both you and your kids feel comfortable with. If you get too uppity about it, either when discussing the adoption with others or in your own home, your kids may pick up on that and feel a bit ashamed about their adoption. It my opinion, adoption is a wonderful thing. telling others your story in an open, comfortable way, may help break down any negative feelings some people have about adoption. And that is a good thing!
Sorry for being so long-winded, but this post hit on so many areas I've been thinking about as well.
Thankyou all for sharing your thoughts, I was starting to think that maybe I was wrong in using these terms and possibly harming my kiddos, but then I think, geez stop thinking so much and just go with it!
Thank you for keeping or at least giving your kids' Russian names. Kudos. But you know, it's not a PC thing--it's your child's reality.
Your kids' did NOT grow in your heart. Hope did. You would have accepted any kid--right? Bio Parents do not say "you grew in my heart" to their kids. Thay say we so hoped for a baby, and we got you. Why is it so hard for APs to be honest, yet kind?
If you are always concerned with what's right and honest for them--honoring their reality---instead of what's comfy for you and your friends, you'll do just fine.
Lisan Ann--while I respect your opinion, my feelings do differ.
No in the physical sense my children did not grow in my heart, but my love and devotion did from the moment I laid eyes on their pictures. My children will always know their stories and we are open and honest with them and will continue to be, so I just don't understand how little words like if read in a book or used here and there to my infants or toddlers will scar them for life?
And no, I am not sure, I would have accepted "any kid" as harsh as that sounds, many people turn down referrals for differing reason, thankfully we did not have to, but I believe in my heart and soul that these boys were meant to be with us and we were meant to be with them. I know many people do not believe in that way of thinking or in fate, but I do.
I am not worried about doing what is comfy for my friends or self, my main concern is my children and always will be. We will always honor their reality, but I think we can and already do that. We are very proud of our children and their heritage and will continue to remind them of that. I just truly believe little phrases used here and there like the ones I have discussed are not going to cause long term damage to my children and I personally needed to relax on those subjects and focus on enjoying them and each moment I have with them.
This was the same thing I had to remind myself after reading too much into parenting and all differing techniques and deciding which way was best and overanalyzing every little behavior in my kids. It was driving me nuts and I am sure would have driven them nuts. I had to stop, let go and start enjoying.
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